One of the most interesting aspects of inhibition is that it can cause us to conceal certain aspects of our true natures from others. In the course of doing this, we may succeed in hiding these aspects from ourselves. – Veronica Pond, Sexual Role Play: A Gentle Guide To The Erotic Art
Our sexual preferences are as unique as our fingerprints. Just the same way we enjoy music or sports at a personal level, our sexual desires are also inherently unique to their owner. For one reason or another, we remain careful not to identify with this sexual fingerprint. For some people, it is fear of shame, judgment, ridicule and reject that steers them clear of opening up the subject to themselves and their lover. Others may feel that role play is a shade away from cheating. Or that their partner will feel hurt and may interpret your desires as wanting to be intimate with someone other than themselves. Some people could take offense to your wishes or get put off and feel sexually inadequate.
For these and several other reasons, most couples who are in monogamous relationships tend to leave their dialogue of sexual desire locked inside their head. And there in the realm of imaginary fantasies, our true sexual fingerprint of desire remains hidden from us.
I have learned, however, that our desires and our fantasies are two separate things.
Fantasies: Are improbable and unbound by judgment. Here we are free to imagine the extraordinary without consequence.
“Our fantasies come from deep parts of ourselves. When we share them, we’re inviting another into our most private world. It’s easy to feel emotionally exposed. You have to trust your partner to withhold judgment about your ability, performance, and (even scarier) your having these fantasies in the first place.” -Violet Blue, The Ultimate Guide To Sexual Fantasy
Desire: Is achievable; and effectively worth fulfilling. Our desires are something we wish for more of.
Do you see the distinction?
While desires and fantasies can be blurred together (as we probably are doing already), they can also be separated and distinguished from another. Defining what you consider to be a fantasy and what you sexually desire, is the first step to identifying your sexual fingerprint.
“An active exploration of both fantasy and desire is absolutely critical for a fulfilling sex life. In fantasy, you can freely explore without consequences, noticing your reactions and responses to a huge range of possibility. Then, you can name your desires, the specifics about what you want more of in your actual life, and begin seeking out their fulfillment. Without permission to fantasize, our desires become very thin or non-existent. – The Pleasure Mechanics, The Fantasy Method: How To Discover Your Authentic Sexual Desires And Create A Fulfilling Sex Life
Think about some of your own sexual fantasies for a moment. They are most likely something far away from what you would actually do in real life. Now think about what your sexual desires are. A make-out session, or oral sex. Whatever it is, they are more likely to be something you really do want to come true. Understanding the difference between making your fantasies come true and making your desires come true is what makes a fantasy scenario so emotionally bonding.
For example, if I asked my wife to help fulfill my personal fantasy of being taken advantage of by a schoolteacher, it would not play out so enjoyably as I imagine, I’m sure. If I were to actually go have sex with a schoolteacher, the relationship between my wife and I would not get better. It is not our personal fantasies that we are really looking to fulfill. Now if my wife were to role play a schoolteacher fantasy with me, we would be observing each other’s response and discovering one another’s sexual desire, all in the safety of our loving partnership. And that is something that is good for the relationship. You don’t have to be a cheater to experience the sexual desires you fantasize about. Even if your current relationship does not offer the experiences you want, there is a way that you can satisfy your desire. The answer to this is by sharing a fantasy.